Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics,
these
facts have emerged:
Relationships: First of all, a man does not call
a relationship a
relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and
Suzie were
doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends,
a woman
will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will
write a
poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on
with her life. A
man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-
up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
"I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you,
and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know
that
there's always a chance for us". This is known as the
"I Hate You / I
Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made
at least
once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men
get
over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Maturity: Women mature much faster than men.
Most 17-year-old females
can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is
why high school romances rarely work out.
Handwriting: To their credit, men do not
decorate their penmanship. They
just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and
they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use
ridiculously large loops
in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain
to read a note from a
woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at
the end
of the note.
Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women
are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately,
the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and
even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The
women
will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom -
a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from
the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical
woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of
these
items.
Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she
needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the
checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on
Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put
on a Mondi wool suit,
and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes
in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on
her
dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because
her feet
are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
day.
Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go
out, it means he is ready
to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she
WILL
be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes
putting
on her makeup...
Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats,
but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about
her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are
watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says
"Oh, gee. That
must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and
actually FEELS the
pain.
Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go
shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A
man
will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is
the funniest man on the
face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who
always
has a bad haircut.
Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is
finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent
a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American
Style."
Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women
talk about "the
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear
standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the
ankles, that
have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on
the back.
Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Eating out: ...and when the check comes, Mike,
Dave, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None
of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want
change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.
Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check
themselves out in a
mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their
reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola's head.
Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she
goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause
in a
man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a
snazzy
French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a
communication tool. They use
the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will
call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions: If a woman is
out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask
for
directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will
never
stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for
hours, all
the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new
way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I
recognize that
7-11 store."
Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit
making a mistake. The
last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Plants: A woman asks a man to water her
plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days
later
to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this
happens.
Garages: Women use garages to park their cars
and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license
plates in
garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless
lopsided
benches in garages.
Movies: Every actress in the history of movies
has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has
been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the
movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will
look like
a lounge singer named Vic.